Mundane Moments

Thank you for your communication regarding the return of your equipment, supplied as part of the contract which you have subsequently terminated, thus depriving us of the service which you previously undertook to supply.

Unfortunately our staff are busy attending to other matters, but of course your equipment is available for collection at any time. You will find it stored in the skip, in front of our office window, in the car park. Other storage or return options are available for a reasonable charge. Feel free to contact our sales line for options.

As a result of your decision to cancel our contract with you, any further request will unfortuinately have to be treated as an out of contract support request. We bill by the hour, or part thereof. You qualify for our competetive introductory offer of only £100 per hour (or part thereof). Feel free to get in touch further, if you wish to take advantage of this time limited introductory offer.

We assure you that your business is important to us.

Yours.
etc.

Send them an email confirming that you have received their request to engage your services. Note in a footnote that the absence of a reply to your email within five working days, will indicate acceptance of your terms and conditions. Send separate emails ( not copied in) to their support department, billing department, and ask where in their contract they have conditions for return of equipment, what they intended to do with it, and your intention to return it, charge them, and complain to the ombudsman about their frivolous and wasteful practice. Also ask them all which department to address your invoice to. Send it back. Along with an invoice for your charge for admin and packing charge ( time, not materials ).

If you want.

Plusnet insisted on sending me a replacement router ( that I had no intention of ever using, and didn't want ). They then charged me for the postage and packaging. I estimate that would have cost them well over a hundred quid before they refunded it.

I am a great believer in true cost of doing business, and will not allow others to push non-contracted costs onto me. Happy to piss about sending emails for my own amusement though.

The best win i've had so far this year was a cash gift by my credit card company. Because I couldn't log into my account to administer it. I specifically said that I didn't want a adjustment ( low three figures ), but they insisted so that I was totally satisfied that my complaint was resolved.

I can be quite awkward. Nothing personal. Only business.