Advice. For today a basic piece of journalism assessment.
"If this is on record, I'd like to state how overwhelmingly happy I am with all of those in unassailable positions of power, that are responsible for my immediate future": Not news, don't lead with this.
"Honestly, he looks like a pig, whines like a wind turbine, and none of lads had a fucking clue what he wanted us to do out there. And as a side note, I wouldn't expect such a shit standard of dress from a blind man in the midst of a mid life crisis": Liaise with the headline writers.